This scenario unfolds in a familiar pattern. A man enjoys a happy relationship, but as time marches on, the woman's desire for marriage grows stronger. Feeling a sense of urgency, she starts, often unintentionally, to pile on the pressure.
The pressure cooker environment can manifest in a few key ways. The woman might deploy tactics that trigger specific emotions – guilt, shame, or even fear – to nudge the man towards marriage. Emotional manipulation might rear its head through comments that subtly question his commitment or veiled threats about the relationship's future. If these tactics prove ineffective, she might withdraw emotionally, becoming distant or disagreeable. This shift in behavior creates a suffocating atmosphere, leaving the man feeling trapped and desperate to recapture the earlier, happier dynamic.
In my experience as a consultant, I've seen this scenario play out countless times. The butterflies-in-your-stomach phase can quickly sour when the "When are we getting married?" conversation arrives
And note to all you ladies out there, neither of these strategies is a particularly good idea with respect to your goals. In any case, these men are generally legitimately conflicted. They clearly care about the women in question and are nervous about the prospect of losing them. And they also have valid concerns about radically changing the structure of their relationships. Concerns that all too often fall deaf on their women's ears, which does little to reassure them. These men are struggling and they don't know what to do. So I've created an analogy to help them understand what they're going through.
The analogy is this:
At some point in his life, practically every man has been in a situation where he's dealing with a woman he's not particularly attracted to and may not even like. But he's dealing with her because he's horny and he wants to have sex.
It is what it is.
Now, when guys are dealing with a woman like that, they tend to get more aggressive with respect to securing the sexual encounter. And the reason they do this is because there isn't anything else they want from her to this man. The woman in question isn't funny or charming, so he doesn't find her enjoyable to just have around. And she isn't wise or intelligent, so she isn't teaching him something that he's interested in learning, and she isn't useful or helpful, so she isn't furthering his goals.
She's not any of these things.
If she did provide other ways in which he could meaningfully benefit from the relationship, then he might be able to content himself without the sexual element. But in the absence of these ways, there's no reason for him to stick around and deal with that woman without sex.
He wants one thing because he's not getting anything else that he wants, and without that one thing, there is no basis for further interaction. And that's what motivates men in these circumstances to be more aggressive. It's like, hey, I'm cool either way, but if you're not going to move things forward, I can't really deal with you. I'm going to move on and that's a rational decision given that man's perception of the situation.
I get you fellas, but here's the thing. What you do to a woman under those circumstances is analogous to what a woman does to you when she's pressuring you to marry her.
Let that sink in!
If there were other ways in which she felt she was benefiting from that arrangement, if she was content with your extrapolated lifestyle and the things you did together and the opportunities you create for her and the status she enjoys in relating to you and the good sex that you consistently have, and she could see no better options that could give her more of what she wants, then she wouldn't be as pushy for marriage.
This is because being pushy is a risk.
Sometimes when you rock the boat, you end up falling out. This isn't always a bad thing, of course, as it functionally forces the pushy person to move on to a different relationship where she might stand a better chance of getting what she wants. But a woman is generally pushy for marriage to the extent that she's not getting anything else that she wants from that relationship. And the real kicker here is that she might not be getting anything else from the relationship because you already gave it to her.
Remember, to want is to lack.
So if she already has it, she's not going to want it. So if marriage is the only thing you haven't given her yet, then what else is she going to want? And if she's not getting anything else to compensate her for not getting the thing that she wants, then she's going to get more pushy. It makes sense.
Now don't get me wrong. A woman can want whatever she wants, and if she's not getting what she wants, then barring some other commitment to the contrary, she has every right to leave that relationship and move on. But a woman who acts that way, men, doesn't love you more than she loves what she wants.
Love's highest good is simply to continue to exist in the presence of the loved one.
That's it. Everything else pales in comparison. A woman who threatens to leave you if you don't marry her is functionally telling you that she wants things more than she wants to continue to be with you. She doesn't love you. In this moment, she is looking to do business. So don't confuse the two. The upshot is, from the perspective of both men and women, the more someone is pushy, the less you should give them what they want.
Like, women don't have sex with guys who are pushy about having sex with you.
They're pushy to the extent that they don't want anything else from you. Because if they did want something else and they were getting it, they wouldn't be so aggressive.
By the same token, men don't marry women who are pushy about getting married.
They're pushy to the extent that they don't want anything else from you. Because if they did want something else and they were getting it, they wouldn't be so aggressive. Women treat men the way men treat jobs. When a woman is pushy for marriage, she's functionally saying,
look, I've been in this role for two years, five years, ten years, whatever, and I want a promotion to permanent job security. If you do not give me said promotion, I am going to go to a different company.
And it's like, fair enough, ladies, but men, what you have to understand is that a woman who engages you like this isn't coming from a place of love. She's coming from a place of motivated self interest. She's looking to do business, which is, after all, precisely what a relationship is for.
So that's not necessarily the problem.
What is potentially the problem is a woman who is assertively negotiating for something of great benefit to her without offering anything of great benefit in return. Doing this is bad business and will likely cause the woman to be rejected, especially if the man has any optionality to speak of. If she's going to do business, then you got to do business.
Ask yourself, what would I hope to get out of this?
What are the costs?
What are the risks?
Are they sufficiently offset by the potential benefits I hope to accrue from this situation? And both sides need to remember that at this point, it's not personal. It's just business. It's not personal if a woman decides to lateral to a different company with a more attractive compensation package. After all, it's much easier to remain loyal to one's perceived best interest. And it's not personal if a man decides that a certain employee is better suited for a role as an independent contributor than as a corporate officer. After all, people don't become the CEO simply due to seniority.
It also means that the people, men and women, who are most likely to get what they want are the ones who seem not to want these things. Like the guy who doesn't seem to care one way or the other if he has sex is way more likely to get laid than the guy who is pushing aggressive for intercourse.
Why?
Because his apparent indifference kind of makes the sexual encounter feel safer for a woman to proceed. By the same token, the woman who doesn't seem to care one way or the other if she gets married is more likely to get married than the woman who is pushy and aggressive for a ring.
Why?
Because her apparent indifference kind of makes matrimony feel safer for a man to proceed. It's the same fucking thing. The person who has more to lose needs to be reassured, needs to be made to feel safe in order to proceed with sex. The party who has more to lose is the woman. With marriage, the party who has more to lose is the man. To the extent that men want to marry women who love them, men will paradoxically be most motivated in marrying women who do not seem to care whether about whether or not they get married. Something to keep in mind ladies. What do you think, Does this fit with your experience? Let me know in the comments below.
Reference: Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks
